I'll listen to your side of the story when you stop being such a whore.
I rubbed one out into an envelope and mailed it to her. Game point, I win.
Dude, I just went to take a piss and looked at my ballsack... Underneath was labled "L" and "R"
I don't know what kind of drugs you were on last night but you kept trying to highlight my face because you said I was important
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i DID NOT walk around with my knees bent and my hands behind my back with long spandex and underarmour pretending to be Apollo Ono
It's so cute when the exchange student uses "blowjob" as a verb.
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
This cabbie knows where I live. Both awesome and weird.
Chicks, chicks everywhere, and not a drop to drink. Dude, when did real life lesbians get HOT?
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I'm back in the dating scene now... Since the legality issue calmed down. And my stalking charges were dropped.
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
Where are you on a scale from one to wasted?
Like alphabetically I'd say a v
He literally lured me in the house with his cat then we ended up fucking on the living room couch while the cat just sat there and watched
I'll probably just end up banging you in your parents marital bed,in their honor of course.
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God