Did you hallucinate the same white buffalo that I did last night.
No, but I did see you shaking hands with a homeless man.
i feel like i'm a professional at blowjobs i can deep throat an entire spatula
It was as awful as eating cow testicles on fear factor and not winning and realizing you ate balls for nothing.
you were chalanging people to drink the "worlds biggest jager bomb" - a VASE of Redbull and a PINT of Jager... is it no wonder you dont remember anything?
he got his own cum in his own eye. TWICE. how do you make that mistake again?
I'm relatively certain my chiropractor just judged me for admitting that my back is misaligned from the sex we had last night...
I didn't know there was such thing as a bad orgasm. Until him.
Someone is gonna learn how to start an IV in the morning
Oh and I ate all of your Cinnamon Toast Crunch. Consider it part of your reparation payment for accidental anal insertion. I may continue to collect payments until I am no longer sore.
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
Anddon't worry about me I have my Darth Vader flashlight
I don't want to sleep with anyone. I just want a burrito
HOCKEY BUTTS AND BASEBALL BUTTS HONESTLY DO SOMETHING TO ME
He's a cop. Do you know how many times I've said fuck the police? This is my chance. I'm taking it.