I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
I'm making progress with her.. She actually looked at me today and gave me a dirty look. Things are going real good.
Any girl that compares her vag to a hot ham sandwich is beyond a slut
I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
Accidentally just signed something at work 'lotus flower' I need to keep my stripper life separate from real life.
i was way too optimistic last night... got back to my apartment and the porch light was still on, like i'd actually make it all the way home.
did we decide the 'sorry about the threesome' cake was too flippant?
I don't remember its real name, I just call it the Harrison Ford Cush after that idea with the Indiana Jones mask. I should just get high and sell people my ideas for their Halloween costumes all the time. I'd make a fucking fortune.
You were throwing up and said, "Whipe my face, I must look presentable at all times."
i ordered a pipe on amazon, and under recommended items, it gave me a top hat. it knows me better than my parents.
It looked like his dick was wearing an argyle sweater.
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
He wants to buy us a microwave. Clearly the man is going to fix my life.
I didn't want to leave, I wanted to move into his ass
...Just hit my fuck buddy with my car.
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