So explain to me again how you wake up next to a Brazilian model and I wake up next to a turkey sub? And a jar of grey poupon.
Is it a little weird that I have a ridiculous urge to have sex while the theme song to the Pirates of the Carrbibbean blares in the background?
Just watched Hilary Duff have a three-some on Gossip Girl...all I could imagine was that LIzzie Maguire cartoon girl freaking out above their heads
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
He just gave a drunken 7 minute speech on how to make the perfect grilled cheese. he explained types of butter and cheeses....i think i love him
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
My booty call just put me down for a reference for her job at the hospital. What am I supposed to say? She gives great bj's?
No more Raisinettes before sex. That's what happened. I just put it together
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
Can you work for me at 4? We might have just taken some drugs we found in the couch and... end of story
Just tapped my penis on the head and said "this will be your year buddy."
We drank vodka and koolaid through a traffic cone. It got rowdy.
He said that he had extra crunchy taquitos and wanted to go down on me.. I mean how could I say no?
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
Randomize
