If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
i asked him how he could stand the smell of skunk. his answer was "it smells like good weed"...
I've been watching too much manswers. Cuz i know scissoring doesn't work on a motorcycle.
it's like your virginity...sometimes you have to pretend like it's still there
He threw up in the campfire, the alcohol in his puke caught on fire. Im marrying this man
He tried to use a signal flare to light the bong
And?
He melted the stem
Well then sir I'll probably see you tomorrow after my class and at 3 with your clothes off. Sounds like a solid way to start the weekend to me
My mom just covered me while I peed in the street. I love her. i also love parents weekend.
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
Is there a classy way to tell him that to thank him for his service I would like to put his dick in my mouth?
"Happy Veterans Day! Now pull down your pants."
He tried to buy me a drink at dollar beer night. All 3 of his credit cards were declined, so he asked me if I could cover it. Needless to say, I'm not calling him back.
I made him watch the first 5 episodes of Game of Thrones before I decided to sleep with him.
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
Right after i got done cumming i sat back and gave a big Ric Flair "WOOOOOO!"
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
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