How many times do you have to sleep with a guy before you get him to kiss you???
Should I tell Kevin that my finger was in his sister's ass last night?
guys are only as good as the porn they watch
just scratched off #34 on my list of things to do before age 30 - drunk in a helicopter.
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
you could never motorboat her...you'd have to motor-titanic her
Why is there a keg in our kitchen? I'm not complaining but why is there a keg in our kitchen?
Whore. There is deli meat in my wallet.
Very excited! Vodka will be shot, dicks will be ridden, and memories made.
My attorney has my name in her roldex as need to hit that. Im gonna win my case
Drinking Fireball means never having to say you're sorry. Unless its at you're arraignment.
25 likes of a picture on Instagram of my butthole. beat that.
Dude. Went to buy some jack and sailor Jerry, when the guy at the counter realized it was my birthday everybody in the store including the stoners and the elderly sang to me. Then they gave me shots of moonshine. 21st bday was a success
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
i have achieved a new state of being which requires no food or water but is sustained only by coffee and pure, unrelenting rage
Randomize
