even after i explained my bobby knight costume the bartender still kicked me out for throwing the chair
If I remember taking any of my finals after tomorrow night, it will not have been a successful night.
He was drunk at Denny's at 5 am saying how Dear John was the worst movie he has ever seen... eyes filled with tears.
When he came he sounded like a flock of birds hitting puberty
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when i start to cry when i lose at mario kart is when you should put me to bed
I want to spend time with you, and by time, I mean real time. Not your dick in my mouth time.
Whoever decided it was a good idea to sell 40's at a bar with life-sized jenga deserves a nobel prize.
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
Oh you have a half-brother? Why that's right up my alley! Let's cause family strife
Tearing families apart since 2011.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I came home to him frying bacon to put in his beer. He said bacon beer lights, taste the awesomer rockies
I think he's holding my wallet hostage because I puked in his car. It's not my fault he has child locks on his windows..
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
i left you alone for two hours TWO HOURS & when i got back i had to rush you to the hospital because you were covered in Smooth Away pads & drinking the bong water..
what happened last night?
we watched you eat an entire bag of dorritos in the pouring rain... you refused to come inside
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