so they made cookies with their faces printed on them...I ate jaime...she tasted like poop
I wana party with Kermit the frog, no wait. Fozzy the bear. He's probably a silly bitch when he's drunk.
i guess this means i'm going to be wearing knee socks during sex again
you made me have a moment of silence for the half of a sub sandwich that you dropped on the floor earlier
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
She stopped mid hookup to ask me if we'd be done before Taco Bell closed.
I'm glad we're going to catch up. too bad it's over my vagina.
Some girl took her panties off, soaked them in vodka and wrung them out into a line of guys' mouths! Awesome!
No, NOT awesome. Where the fuck do you go drinking!?!
He's like a fucking cake pop, the greatest thing in the world while it lasts, but it never lasts for long enough
She told me she ate a whole pizza today, and I just wanted to hug her forever.
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
I am having telepathic thoughts with my cat. He loves me and wants me to blow his nose
I'll screw just about anything, but I draw the line there
your mom was just petting me...I am strangely comfortable with it
Taco Bell is better for you than cocaine, I promise.
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