Any day that starts with a call from my ex-bf... crying... is a good day.
this is something i pride myself on being below average for
Lesbian chick is doing her presentation on the time she woke up on the dockside still drunk at 7 am. This is why I show up to chinese class.
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
I'm not going to need your "it doesn't mean you're a slut" pep talk after all.
The a/c is broken so they cut a softball size whole in the freezer door. Goodbye deposit.
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
i feel like my tongue has its own mouth, and that mouth just bit its tongue and is clenching its teeth.
Faking my way through an entire party as a British exchange student. Wish me luck.
State dependent memory. I just needed to feel my teeth. It was like a fog was lifted.
Now I have to set an alarm for less than 6 hours from now to wake her up, get her showered and get her to her first day of tutoring a kid from her church. WTF is my life?
Build a thousand brigdes, lick one butthole. What am I remembered for? Buttholelicking.
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
it's a rainbow of FUCK YOU
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
Randomize
