A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
she said i have a nice penis, i told her only bob saget and god could judge that.
Dudeeeee, i ordered strippers for my party.
I ordered a moonbounce.
Fuck, you win.
All I want in this world right now are Doritoessssss
OK. You going to get home safe? Who are you with?
Doritoesssssss
The little things make me happy. Little dicks do not.
Do you remember using the heel of your shoe as a shish kabob stick? You offered me some chicken, but I declined.
buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
I threw up in the bar parking lot and yelled THIS IS MY FUTURE.
There was a huge crash. I came out of my room to find you sprawled out at the bottom of the stairs in your bra and panties. You looked at me, yelled 'WHAT AM I DOING WITH MY LIFE' and then ran back into his room.
He just stays over and makes naked pancakes in the morning
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
I'm eating year old chocolate from the trash can. It was in a ziploc bag but still, this is a new low. Help me.
Please just help me figure out where the bruise on my face came from.
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
Put on your bikini and meet me at the pool \nit’s cock o’clock!
Randomize
