Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
guess where i woke up this morning? If you guessed the hospital, you sir are correct.
I think I should become a real estate agent in th friend zone I know the place so well
It was literally me in an evening gown and him in a tux with six bottles of Vodka at Jons.
And this was for your brother's Christening?
seeing two hook-ups in tagged in the same picture will send chills down anyone's spine.
I thought I walked in on an orgy of smurfs. Man I love shrooms
Dude, you bit through my nipple. Give it a week, damn.
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
That commercial was clearly aspirational. I think Arbor Mist would pair nicely with Oscar Meyer
I have a big to do list for you. Number 1 - me. Number 2 - drink wine 3. Talk my ears off. 4. Me again
Ordained minister or not I hereby renounce all moral responsibility for any and all related occurrences
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
I need to stop challenging people to taking off clothes. I win too often
You know when your cat drags a dead bird into the the house as a present and drops it at your feet looking all pleased because it thinks you'll be pleased? That's what sex with him was like.
Randomize
