pick me up and take me to a bathroom i have to shit
no
the bathroom is right infront of the beerpong table
im sorry you werent invited but you live 2 blocks away PLEASE
all we need is a web designer
and a bunch of prostitutes
I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
My gaydar just like overheated and exploded watching the male figure skaters on the olympics
I just worked out and used handles of vodka as weights. Whoever said alcoholism is detrimental to you health obviously has no fucking idea.
Your the only friend that would realize I'm gonna get drunk and send coke to me at a bar before I made drunken phone calls for it. You sir complete me.....
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
Just saying goodbye until I figure this whole "warrant out for my arrest" thing
Hate is such a strong word! I prefer to think that you strongly dislike me due to the honesty I show towards your routine shortcomings of success in life.
There was definitely a significant amount of cookie dough in my bra
We HAVE another bedroom, it's not like I was gunna chain you into the closet. Often.
You've never felt ridiculous until you've walked through downtown in a Viking costume
YOU DONT EAT A GIRL OUT AND THEN GO PUKE ASSHOLE
If I don't answer right away it's because I took an Adderall and the fridge needs cleaned.
And I’m prepared, because I'm in it to win it (and by win I mean get railed hard)
Randomize
