I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
This chick just checked into her walk of shame on Foursquare... I think I'm in love.
Would it help you get over me if I told you that I had unprotected sex last night?
bringing a ziploc bag full of Jim Beam to the movies may not have been the best idea.
Softest bathroom rug I've slept on in my life, there have been many
I bought a sword. Make the proper arrangements.
Omg I'm puking right now and then sneezed four times in a row. You don't know pain til this happens to you.
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
antibiotics and champagne: breakfast of champions
I think there's an ice cream truck out back, but there's no way I can get pants on in time to catch it
Made a pinky promise to a lesbian on crack in WeHo. No one knows what I promised
Do exhausted, barely concealed hand jobs count as joining the mile high club?
You were in the girls bathroom yelling at some random chick because you thought she stole all the urinals. That's why you were kicked out.
Awake! can you bring me my pants...im under the couch
Highlight your past hook-ups. You've been stabbed, shot at, run over, and chased down the road...no you can't bring new bar bitch over here!
Dude she has a friend!!!!
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