I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
I just masturbated into a dress sock. I feel fancy
Yeah, I was googling pictures of sharks, and I accidentally typed "shart." Huge mistake.
Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
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Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
I smell like I just crawled out of a bottle of champagne and landed on the floor of taco bueno.
Chick in class has 69 tattooed on the back of her neck. Target acquired.
It feels like one of my ribs evaporated.
Dunno yet. Probably just gonna play the s.t.d. russian roulette game with random bartenders at the beach again. Same 'ol same 'ol
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You don't understand. There's baclava and there's post sex baclava. You can't compare the two.
How many more times can I say I need to get laid before you kill me?
Even his sexts are poetic. He said breasts instead of tits so I'm gonna lock this shit down asap
That's a gentle way of saying I passed out like an 18-year-old on his first trip to Tijuana
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
I did put on a shirt to start the night, right?
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