What did we do last night that was yellow?
biggest mistake ever: halloween 2009
Dude, I just saw a sixteen year old girl in a catholic school uniform buying a pregnancy test... With a coupon!
Im watching someone hooking up in the library
procrastination at its finest
Right when I walked into the party my boyfriend stood up and yelled, "HEY TITS, GET ME A BEER!"
Dude I think I vomited on the wireless internet box too...it isnt working.
THERE IS PRACTICALLY A BEER FUCKING WATERFALL
I've also hijacked your can opener. Sadly not for the same sexual reason as the muddler.
just fucked two guys in less than 12 hours. i miss this part of being single.
and by single i mean slutty
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
My vagina loves me do-dah do-dah my vagina loves me do-dah do-dah
I picture you throwing your vagina around in the same fashion that they pass out candy at a parade.
Dude, I traded weed for crunch berries. Happy Thursday.
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
Just puked. First it was bright neon blue then it turned to bright lime green. How does that even happen? And wtf was I drinkin last night?
Only good thing about the 50 Shades is that it is now completely OK to call a credit card co to dispute the charge for nipple clamps that didnt arrive.
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