i'm sick of taking my pants off and seeing a look of disappointment on the girls face. i want her to be frigthened
the young, male pastor of my church has a jesus fish tramp-stamp. I made him show me.
My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
Sorry about waking up naked in your bed this morning.
I've started budgeting for next year. It looks like I'll be crying tears of dollar bills and handing them over to pay back my unholy college debt.
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
So I sent him a snap of me half naked holding a pie last night.
His new girl is probably classy and boring. I bet she doesn't feed him sour patch kids while she wiggles his weiner.
Dead. I am actually dead. Also, worst nightmare confirmed: throwing up in a four hundred person lecture.
YOUR VAGINA IS SO CUTE IT'S LIKE A LITTLE MACAROON
Remember, I smoked so you wouldn't have to. I'm like the Jesus of Marijuana.
Stranded. In bathroom stall. No toilet paper. I repeat NO TOILET PAPER! Assistance needed asap. GO! GO! GO!
It was just like the old times. We watched movies and shit. But not like old times-i fucked her hot brother when she was in the shower? Times are a'changin.
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
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