Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
No gym. Sooooo hung over. Just puked up the water I drank and it still has ice cubes in it.
I have no recollection of sleep choking you
I almost got away with it until she smelled beer on the stroller.
I'm pretty sure I just woke up to one of the airport janitors saying that she wanted to tie me up and do something.. I couldn't hear what, thank god
The party went downhill once the fire department had to be called to put out the kitchen fire.
i want to be friends with one of those mini shredded wheat men.
Wake up. We're going shopping for booze and samurai swords.
Vagic. Defined as a kind of magic one has over a girl's vagina. Used in a sentence... he's an accomplished vagician.
it was like fucking a Mumford & Sons song
You must have my penis confused with someone else's...which is disappointing
this new dose of ADD meds is totally being waisted with the unemployed new graduate thing if only I could add my hyper focused side effects to a coverletter
Just learned that the cute guy I've been flirting with at the beach this whole time is actually an inmate working in the community instead of being in prison.. My life is unreal
Rule number 1 of dorm living: do not forget your butt plug in the bathroom.
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