it was all good till he told me to dance slow and quiet
My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
Hahaha alright after 5 shots I'm not allowed to touch glass or boys with girlfriends.
I cannot even. Taco bell reception. Beers. New friends from Georgia.
We left the bar in 2 bicycle cabs. It cost thirty bucks and they took us to the wrong hotel. When we finally made it to the right one we ended up in a room with three randos from alaska. Jammed out with them for like an hour. Those inuits are good guitar players
My picture of a beer can in a McDonalds cup full of ice got more likes than my relationship with her. Is beer THAT much better than monogamy?
I think that the jello shots in bowls is where it all went wrong.
Woke up the day after the party with a bruise on my stomach. Pretty sure my liver was trying to escape for fear of it's life.
Jesus horatio Christ I forgot my mittens and am considering shoving my hands down the pants of the first semi attractive man I see
Filthy. I need to be power hosed with holy water.
Sure go ahead and start this 'business' with him...just don't come crying to me when you have to fake your own death in two years
Tip: never mention Guy Fieri during sex
I REMEMBER NUGGETS BEING THERE BUT WE WERE AT A TACO BELL
I hope I didn’t eat too many edibles just now. I got shit to do today. Like make Jell-O shots and take a shower.
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
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