I got called a slut by a bunch of girls that work at Hooters..wtf is that shit? explain that to me
just so you know, the whole club saw your tits last night. and booed.
whispering "taste the rainbow" well having sex isn't my biggest turn on.
Homeless guy on the metro is drinking beer out of a coke bottle. Hello friend.
How does one fall all the way up a flight of stairs? Its hard on me knowing that the survival of our species depends on me not reproducing.
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
We need to do something soon. I need like 4,000 beers and a cigarette.
Tim and I found you a 5ish and asked how you were doing with the breakup. All you said was "i can't words"
MY BRAIN IS OSCILLATING. DOES THAT EVEN MAKE SENSE
I just want to emotionally destroy him but also find out how big his dick is so this is perfect
For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.
I just remembered you petting my nose last night to help the cocaine 'sink in'. I don't think that's how it works
I'm so excited you texted me but I'm way to high to process it
I vaguely remember ordering a water at some point last night. It's good to know drunk me can still be responsible.
Randomize
