halloween is SO much better on drugs, why didn't anyone let us know about this when we were kids
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
You left your underwear here. I'm hanging it on my door
She said "oh yeah" like Hulk Hogan with the muscle flex and everything. Totally digging this chick
you were feeling the wall and when we asked you why, you just said "because I want to know who lived here before"
You see it tends to piss fathers off when they find their daughter in the arms of a shirtless guy that neither he nor his daughter knows.
I made out with my former step mother's best friend. Only knew the connection when they both showed up together at the bar.
I was too lazy to get my chapstick out of my purse so i lubed up my lips with pizza grease. On a scale of 1-10 how embarassed should i be?
Okay so I've been talking to the mice again and they agree with me that you're a piece of shit.
Dude, no, you tried to sleep on the stove. I mean. You were pissed when I stopped you... but I couldn't have you catching on fire in my house.
I just revenge puked in his shoes. This is gonna be a fun night :)
You know its awkward when your mom walks in on you and your boyfriend yelling surprise....I was scared into an orgasm
I once went to target high on hydrocodone. I assure you, they can handle unrespectable.
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
Randomize
