Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
oh God, I have a dick of a middle schooler
finally nailed that neighbor chick. hopefully i can get her wireless password now. free internet trumps moral standards any day
Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success
mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
Despite what happened tonight, Im still expecting Jesus birthday sex
I will come over now to take full advantage of you in your vulnerable state.
Fine. I should warn you I just threw up in danas fish tank. Fish are dead. Livers dead. I smell and look like a dead animal. And not showering. So deal with it.
You know it's been a good thanksgiving when you pee all over your own hands.
i'm covered in glitter and body paint WTF
We're showing the video later bring pizza
I can hear my family downstairs singing Christmas carols as I masturbate
I have to estimate how long it takes them to get to the bedroom so that I can sneak out of my room and get snacks. If she's anything like me, they're in bed the second he gets here and I can get snacks now
Fucked him in a graveyard. Need plan b.
No I’m scared man. She sharted. In my car. Wearing a dress. And I still like her.
Wow
On the good side I got hit on by a cute college guy. But the bad side was having sex in a frat house for first time in 9 years
You'll probably laugh but I am currently in bed in the fetal position wrapped in only my ninja turtles towel. Save me.
Randomize
