His internet history had "Disney Porn" on it.
i just keep taking vicodin and supergluing random shit
I just want you to know that i just realized your the only friend i dont feel fat around.
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
Just saw a girl duct tape a cigarette back together..I feel like my life is shambles for being present for this
My drug dealer is making me hot tea during the snowstorm...I'm a fan.
LISTEN TO ME! GAY. FIREFIGHTER. They are the most rare and precious kind of gay. The kind little gays dream of. It needs to happen.
my star wars tattoo got me laid last night. definitely a dark side sort of benefit im thinking
I was on etsy and I'm like those boobs look way too familiar
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
Although can we find me a starter dick? I don't want security showing up again. That was awkward.
After you punched me you ran away and it took an hour to find you... On the wrong floor... Sitting alone saying "it doesnt make sense"
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
I just found a contact in my phone named "Nick from The Party". Who's nick?
Randomize
