woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
ok, im coming! i just found some lemon square in my bangs, washing that out..this shit is all over me! was i in a pie eating contest?
yes
did i win? did you like my outfit? or should i change, if you were horny would you bang me?
I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
You just kept rubbing her head and repeating "I really like your head, I want your head..." over and over for like 10 minutes straight... And she didnt even stop you.
the fact that my dorm room overlooks a children's daycare is enough initiative for me to have safe sex.
If you're going to outback I'll have to decline, I've slept with a large enough portion of their staff already.
Thanks for bailing me out last night guys. it's bullshit that everbeering people at bars is illegal. bitches have no sense of adventure anymore
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
I am broke enough to accept it. If I get poisoned, you can have my shoes
I'm sure he'll make the rejection quick and completely justified.
I just gave an orange Froot Loop the finger for falling on the floor instead of my mouth when I was pouring a mini box of cereal into my face.
Yes she was blowing me but I couldnt see her face. The only light was from the sparklers she asked me to hold. I love 4th of July.
This whole quitting my bad habits all at once is really messing with my ability to function.
Woke up in the hospital naked with my id's taped to my chest. Also apparently puked on two guys, two girls and an escalade (at the same time). Good night.
im ready to get drunk and forget everything ive learned this semester
Randomize
