You are the one person I know will appreciate this- and I'm aware that its nearly 5 am- but I have 3 words... G spot orgasm. BE JEALOUS
Did you know Kal Penn works at the white house? That's almost white castle.
I'm taking this break up pretty rough.. I've never been to sad to masturbate.
im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.
we fucked the fort apart but we'll rebuild it after we get some drinks.
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
Found my bike today. On top of the garage. I'm not even going to ask myself why.
Found a phone out last night at the bar. EPIC homemade porn vids on it!
Our apt smells like hot shit marinated in oregano and cumin. No more taco truck dinner, fuck face. The wall paper is peeling.
Last night I somehow got INCREDIBLY wasted & thought it was a good idea to make a group chat with all the guys I'm hooking up with and just say "bye." soo I'm hiding out till next week.
He's getting Easter eggs filled with weed or Jell-O shots for his birthday
You did things that should be illegal to a Twinkie and asked strangers to drive you home.
I was trying to drink every time they said planned parenthood but my body isn't cut out for this.
That's not "anything", that's you deep throating a mozzarella stick.
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
Randomize
