Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
You know you have a great job when you need a DD home from work at 6pm.
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
It involved homemade coconut rum, a waterfall, and street signs. I'll leave the rest to your capable imagination.
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
Drinking down Plan B with a 5 hour energy. Winding down welcome week in style.
Unless your apartment has 3 am pancakes Im not coming over.
Note to self: don't practice nerdy white girl dance choreography in the company bathrooms no matter how nice the huge mirrors and lighting are.
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
i liked you for your lack of ambition and abundance of weed
I just want to sit my fat ass down at McDonald's and never leave
Last night was just a whirlwind of Mario Brothers and sex.
He bought me shrimp and alcohol and referred to himself as daddy. I am in love.
It's almost sad. It's like the Harambe of vagina stories really.
And god said thou shalt never deny free booze. And it was good.
Randomize
