I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
this girl looks like the female version of brooke hogan
You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
it was a sick party until you insisted on putting on "that's how I beat shaq"
you were holding her hair as she threw up saying "I'm going to be a great doctor" repeatedly.
So, when he came he screamed MORTAL KOMBAT!!!! at the top of his lungs and all of his roomates yelled back FINISH HER!!!!.....yeah kinda akward
I guess I should mention that I have already fucked the Fed Ex guy.
That changes everything.
i cant talk right now. we are trying to finish our homework so we can play with play-doh
This guy on the bus keeps leaning over and sniffing my hair.
You fucked two dudes in the same night and still went home to your cats. How does that happen?
Let's get the cat blown out
i'm gonna friendzone myself so you dont have to
I was the only one in group sessions to bring up sex as a stress reliever. Some of those people were awfully judgy despite the fact we were all in a psych ward.
Nothing like having a family watch you dry heave at the end of the dock
Randomize
