I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
And I just remember seeing him for the first time and being like, who is this ape of a man? Like legit he could be the missing link
Note left in log book: "4:30am a guy was caught masturbating in the bathroom and passed out in his own juices and we had to take the door off the hinges."
You guys are open that late?
her last google searches are 'cheap african safari' and 'what does lion taste like'
Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
There is a bruise on my cock the size of a golfball. Bad sign.
She punched my vomit. In midair. Back into my mouth.
And PS thanks for calling it my "sexual liberation" and not "slut fest 2010: part deux!"
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
Just checked my phone. Sometime last night I googled sex positions in a tent. Was there even a tent there?
I'm just gonna ignore the fact that I have no pants on and find a way home. A good one-nighter never goes back for his pants.
I think this girl gave me a handjob thinking that I would help her with her cell phone bill
omg. that's awesome
I am descending into that finals week rage fueled by ramen, mountain dew and bad sex is what's up.
did you just describe your masturbation session as "rad af??"
This town is a penis wasteland. I haven't seen a suitable penis in months. This is becoming an emergency situation. I need penis in my life
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