Hey, go out with us like you promised. You're younger than us and should be able to handle your coke problem with grace.
Why does Corona taste like a burp?
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
There's a treasure map on your stomach. Treasure may or may not be the clothes you lost...enjoy
We were thinking he might be gay. Like how the fuck do you not even make out with a girl that made you a grilled cheese
His tongue was like Jesus himself was blessing my boobs for eternal ecstasy.
I'm not so sure Jesus approves of such activities, but ok.
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
I don't want a baby! I JUST WANT AN ORGASM THAT ISN'T SELF INFLICTED.
So I'm sitting here baked on a bridge thinking about how plants think, I miss you so much
All's fair in love and war. and tinder.
I just gate-crahed a party and met a state senator, so I had an interesting afternoon jog.
I'm too socially awkward and sexually frustrated to get through this evening sober.
I am praying to every god I can that he drank so much that he won't even remember me
We used to bone, but now she's my life coach.
I walked out ot my car in the morning thinking there was a sandwich I left there from yesterday. Then later that day I was checking the mail and saw the other side of my car :/
It concerns me the most that u were potentially going to eat a day old car sandwich.