i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
turns out I still hate jay leno...even at 10pm.
i just watched my husband get a prostate exam. sex is ruined for me.
You know your in college when you decide house chores with games of beer pong...
When he was fingering me, it felt/looked like he was digging around for pocket change.
If u were an xman, what would ur power be? I would shoot lasers from my boobs.
Yeah you fell over while you were peeing and you said "hold I'm, I'm still peeing"
You can't be friends with my side piece. Conflict of interest.
I can still taste the Jäger. I'm gonna shoot myself.
hi I'm Emily and I thoroughly enjoy getting minors hammered.. I'll start my AA intro just like that.
The dominatrix coworker is currently listening to pop music that has been translated into an Irish dialect and sung by high school kids. Every day gets weirder here.
I'm sorry I couldn't bail you out, apparenty they dont take credit cards over the phone. Did you at least make any friends in jail?
By the time I realized I was watching a Danish porno with muppets it was already too late
I'm like a bad decision making factory. I need to sit down and have a chat with my decision making elves.
Setting myself up for trouble? Yes. But getting laid is a lot more important at this time.
Randomize
