I skipped class, don't know why though bc all I did in the meantime was cook pancakes and watch infomercials..my life sucks
She threw up a whole curly fry. A. WHOLE. CURLY. FRY.
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
My mom said that if she can come this weekend, she'll buy the weed.
at least i was responsible enough to take off my shoe and throw up in it
He was very impressed that you could put your hair in a ponytail by yourself while throwing up.
I can't break up with him, I ran the math. Taking into account his 7 inch penis and the standard deviation from average, almost 90% of guys should have a smaller penis than he does.
Really? Penis math? This is why guys shouldn't date female engineers.
i woke up and saw you were brushing his hair naked. I can never pass out around you, man.
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
BEHOLD THE MORNING PIGEON
SANCTIFY THE CHALK TADPOLE
THERE IS NO SOBRIETY. ONLY ZUUL.
Remember the bouncer that knocked out Dave and Sam? Apparently his day job is a florist. Uppercut and fresh cut in one package.
You in for a dick vacation?
YES, even though I have no idea what that means
That moment when you can't decide if you should vote for the random frat guy you have head to at the beginning of the semester for business and technology senator.
Apparently he got pepper spray on his dick. So he's a literal fire crotch.
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
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