I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
No, we're smoking outside. We're hot boxing the world.
facebook friend requested him the morning after while he was still asleep in my bed, a whole new level of creeper even for me
there was so much ham clogging the tub drain.. he said it was ok he has a cleaning lady
I knew it was time to leave Waffle House when you started singing "What's Your Fantasy" to your hash browns.
Lightning struck the tree right outside of her window as I came inside her. I think its God's way of saying go by plan b.
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
On the one year anniversary of me loosing my virginity... thousands of people will be taking their pants of on subways all around the world
It's like a tribute to you being a slut
Just realized how sopa could affect my ability to watch porn, son of a bitch
WHY AM I THE ONLY ONE CONCERNED ABOUT THE SEAGULL IN THE OVEN
I'm doing laundry from this weekend.. That poor shirt I wore to the rave smells like a dead animal that rolled in weed and pain..
I received a sext from my girlfriend, and a deal for free chips and guacamole at chipotle at the same time. I have tasted heaven, and it is beautiful.
so as he was cumming he sort of growled with one eye squinted... for a moment there I thought I was fucking Popeye
I was just thinking about all the dick I could catch while I am home. But then I realized I am too lazy to get out of my pjs and leave my cat.
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
Randomize
