so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
i hate when i ask a girl what she's being for halloween and the first word isn't "slutty"
One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
med student doing my blood work at the AIDS clinic just hit on me after I told him i was having unprotected sex, but didn't think i had HIV.
Who was that couple sleeping in your bed with us last night?
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
It summer and it's getting a lot harder to hide sex bruises from my parents.
First world problems?
She had a cast on when I met her, but she blamed me for breaking her arm this morning. I'm gonna marry this girl.
Who are you to come into MY house and tell me when I can or cannot take my pants off?
Do you always skip to "Baby Got Back" when fat girls show up at the bar?
If she's over 40, she won't believe you if you say " I'm only going to put the head in"
I think someone tried to make a huge bowl of ramen in my bathtub. There's noodles everywhere in my bathroom.
Smoked a blunt with my dad then introduced him to cinnabon delights. Today was a good day.
i asked her if she was sure that she was ready to do it and she replied with "come at me bro"
Dude, I danced with Abe Lincoln! How could last night have been any better???
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