There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
i just masturbated in footie pajamas. there's no judgement here.
Also, not pregnant! Way to go uterus! Good job on being a team player!
He was all like, "I've prayed every single day just for one more night with you."
Omg just give him a quick handy and walk out.
Don't feel bad sweetie, you're not the only classy one in town. I'm still driving around with that tupperware of tequila in my cup holder from last week's Margarita Monday.
He would drink pee if it was in a beer can
I'm petting the cat while shitting. This is all I ever wanted
He thought he was ordering for the whole party so when he came back with thirty burritos and four of us were left, he wasn't happy
I may not be his cup of tea, but I bet I'm his 10th shot of tequila
Wanna see if we can get cut off at bdubs again? The same hipster manager that is younger than us is working again
Hiking for a first date sounded like a good idea in theory because there was absolutely no possibility of me blacking out. In practice, I'd rather black out than go through what I just went through.
just had an allergic reaction to my dildo. My life is ruined.
What happened?
Vodka. Vodka happened.
They're doing CPR to someone in the middle of Victoria's Secret. Way to block the undies, damnit!
Could’ve gone my whole life not seeing a man snort coke off another man’s cock... but there it is...
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