So My parents cut me off after I started making blood marys with hienz ketchup
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
I gave her a mint afterward. It felt like giving turndown service at Hotel BJ.
You only like me because I'm a challenge
You already blew me
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
I've spent the last ten minutes rubbing glue sticks on the wall
nope im down the street in my car watching the front of her house. its actually less creepy than it sounds
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
This is stressing me out. I feel like I need to eat the dick.
This is how baked we were last night. Our drinking game: We stare at each other; first one to laugh drinks.
Just got high and apologized to my vagina for getting chlamydia
You rolled onto your side and told me 'this is the recovery position'. That was after you were stoned. You've done this way too much.
We were wearing togas. So having sex was really easy to do without taking any clothes off.
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
Per my usual Thursday, I blacked out and slept on the stairs.
Randomize
