Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
My favorite part was when he stopped, looked up in the middle of performing oral sex and asked, "you did know it was Arbor Day, right?"
Should we discuss the rug burns on my back or just save that for a separate conversation
Ive consumed more rum studying for law school finals than I did that time I fucked that fat chick in the back of VW Beetle. It's all ugly, but for different reasons.
Is it too early to start a donation jar for my 4th of july hospital bills?
Cops on bikes. I think I can outrun them.
And I just want you to know I got myself into this mess. I gotta get myself out. Plus, don't you only need one kidney?
This couch is so comfortable I can tell if it's like a waterbed or I pissed myself
I feel like my liver should be on crutches right now
I just made mac at 3:10 am... My life is falling apart...
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
You challenged a dog groomer that she couldn't cut human hair ... How's the shaved head
i woke up this morning wearing my pants as a scarf and my shirt as a daiper, my boyfriends contact name in my phone is "human sacrifice" and yours is "i like eggs"....can someone please tell me what happened last night
I am sweating Crown. It all went wrong when the ratio hit 50-50
Yes please. My parents would fucking love him and I'd love fucking him. That's a win-win if I've ever seen one.
Randomize
