so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
based on the size of her vibrator, i'm going to be a huge disappointment
He looked at me like he has never had a girl throw up on him before.
How long does it take to cook a corndog over a candle?
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
The grocery store is a combo of ghetto ppl complaining that the low fat chips are all that's left and hipsters trying to eat organic during the hurricane
I want to do something romantic. Like gargle champagne before I put your dick in my mouth.
You disappeared for 10 minutes. Then came back with nothing but your boxers and a life jacket on to tell us we were all screwed when the flood came and you would be the only survivor.
Fuck edible panties there is a dress made out of bacon
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
Nothing more ironic than raw dogging some random Asian hottie last night and then doing the walk of shame home from her place mixed in with the participants of the AIDS walk
I would do everything over again, except the fireball.
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
She said I can't embarrass her, the challenge has been set
I woke up in a boat, with a life jacket on, tons of beer cans and no lake... I was inside a garage. WTF
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