Last night I got a napkin with 4 names & numbers: Katie, Ellen, Kylie...and Brandon.
i came out of my blackout when my grandma called last night. it kinda sobered me up and i realized who i had been making out with. should i call and thank her for the defensive cockblock?
Thanks for not cleaning the drain like you were supposed to. I just vomited in the shower and I had to stand in it until I was done conditioning.
Bachelor party turned 19 hour search and rescue in the mountains. nbd
I have whiskey and jager. There's no telling what kind of monster will emerge
Multiple bruises and a hell of a headache later, I have still to find out where the fuck I picked up the bottom half of a mannequin.
We are planning a drunk snapchat treasure hunt for tomorrow, and the treasure is his penis, this is a game I'm not willing to loose.
was it wrong to tell him he's welcome in my pants any time?
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
Woke up with a padlock locked onto my ear gauge and the first of many sticky note clues on my chest leading to the key.
Like seriously how stupid drunk do you have to get befor you start finding dolphin lighters and shit in your undergarments
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
He made me pay for half of dinner. Fucking feminist revolution.
I'm at work behind the bar and just washed my mouth out with rumple bc I don't have a toothbrush. This may be a new low.
I WILL go to space. And if we find aliens I WILL fuck one. It’s the Marine Corps way
Randomize
