i just sent this text using only my big toe
You dont ever try to use your dick as a power washer to get bits of poop of the toilet bowl?
You hooked up with a kindergarten teacher?
Yea. It's kind of weird knowing that there are kindergarten teachers out there with their nipples pierced.
when i start to cry when i lose at mario kart is when you should put me to bed
well i had to explain to their mom why the kids i babysit for won't stop repeating the phrase "nice juicy guido"
I woke up to him climbing naked through my bedroom window with a bottle of jd in his hand. Of course I had sex with him.
We stole a cat. That is all you need to know.
Let me just say....i'm sorry about setting your carpet on fire. I had no idea that the paper towel would burn that quickly.
Accidently said "your going to hurt the baby" when he got forceful with his thrusts. I guess I forgot to mention to him that we are pregnant.
Serious question...Is it possible to get a DUI on a kayak?
N I'm drinking this invention I call "do-it-fluid" I had a bottle of vodka that was 3/4th empty, so I put in 1/4th rum, 1/4th tequila, 1/4th whisky... it's definitely the worst idea ever..
Is it too early to start pregaming for St. Patty's?
You were too drunk yesterday to deal with me crying so I am too drunk to deal with logic.
I'm so annoyed. We're about to buy groceries for the week and at this point I'm hoping to sustain myself on pure alcohol.
So I heard her yell at him and I went downstairs to find he had lit up each one of my smokes and taken just one drag off each and had em lined up on the table. She says he "experiments" when on Ambien.
Randomize
