come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
Hey babe, chan wants you to stop texting her about the size of TJ's dick. please.
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
I think I'm on the verge of a really slutty period in my life
I got him a footlong to apologize for trying to push him off a balcony...
There's a treasure map on your stomach. Treasure may or may not be the clothes you lost...enjoy
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
I stuck a note to his door with my gum explaining why i couldn't spend the night. as i was walking away, he opened the door...i fell down and played dead. deffinitly didn't see me.
He's socially awkward. He has a big dick. We've had this talk before, they're socially awkward because they don't leave the house they just sit home and play with it.
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
Well, I washed his beard with dish soap and then I fucked him three times.
Well I didn't know she was a dominatrix...so I kind of just went with it
You were dancing to the Bee Gees, at 3am, with a piece of ham on your head. Moral of the story, You can't drink.
I didn’t want to see that boob. I told her not to show me but she said “no, I’m going to show you”
You ran up to my room. I was naked. You refused to leave without drugs. I love you.
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