My girlfriend figured out who you are.
We just picked up about 540 lbs of women....
That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
dude, showing up drunk to physics was the best idea ever. I just tripled my participation for the semester. I love st pattys day
Using what I learned in my global terrorism class last semester to sneak booze onto my cruise. thanks college.
The fact that I woke up with my panties on the counter and a piece of pizza stuck in my sheets is what scares me.
That would explain his violent outburst while watching barefoot contessa...
Sorry for rubbing my feet on you and repeating "good pony, stay."
The guy I woke up with is wearing the same nailpolish as me...I need to stop drinking
Tell me again your tentative move date. There are 5 Russians in my apartment on ecstasy and they are having a rave in my living room. I can't. I need to move stat
I saw that you sent me a photo and the first thing out of my mouth was "I swear if it's another photo of a dick poking out of a bubble bath"
Nursing home in NJ just got busted for prostitution and drugs...dropping off my deposit tomorrow
Between fucking and sleeping I woke up missing four out of five of the earrings I was wearing. It's like a star rating system. I had to give him props.
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
Randomize
