Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
corn on the cob and anal lube are not substitutes for the real thing
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
i'm traumatized. his orgasm face consisted of him looking like my dead grandfather and burping.
you'll be horrified to know he's visiting next weekend
You two are a rollercoaster of sex and silence.
She just kept saying "bless your heart" to him while he cried because he came so fast. I think a Texas woman was just what he needed
so, she was so drunk she tried stabbing me with a corn dog stick
So I'm at that stage in my life where I am stalking my stalker just to get laid
In your drunken glory you promised me, tongue, 12 naked pics, and 1,800 breakfasts.
Omg that was my second thought of the morning.
First was that we had pop tarts.
And he's back on taking these stupid testosterone supplements to kickstart him back into working out. And they just make him angry and horny all the time. I'm like great, just in time to meet my whole family for Christmas.
Its only once in a life time you get to pick your vcard swiper up from jail
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
can I CTRL ALT DELETE this universe
Randomize
