ok shes still asleep, should i pee on her and say she did it herself? and by the time you respond to this ill probably have already made the decision
Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
Well. Nothing came of that. And to think I manscaped and dusted with gold bond.
you kept spraying the cat with water and then telling it to "man up" when it cried
I wanna get FUCKED up and fail the piss test at my eval so they send me to detox and give me suboxone... Is that bad?
I just saw a fat chick walking across campus talking to herself and licking her lips. Diet season is scary.
Grad practice is like a live scrapbook of my drunken sexual encounters
The guy next to me in the library just got a call from his roommate asking him to come bail him out of jail...we need to step up our game.
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
6 tequila shots, 3 kamikazes and 1 rumplemintz.. The next day I puked in my office trash can while doing payroll. I may have to dock my own pay for lack of class.
Wow! It's so great to hear from you! We all thought you perished in Winepocalypse 2012, man.
I'm wandering around outside asking things if they are god
My mom just asked if I've gotten any girls pregnant how is your day going
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
I never thought I'd be judging my neighbors sex lives before age 30 but here we are
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