Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
it's official, i've been high in 26 different states, and three different countries.
in the middle of giving him head in the backseat of my car he taps me on the shoulder, opens the door, throws up three times and then proceeds to tell me how amazing i am.
EVERYONE CAN HEAR YOU FUCKING YOU ARE IN A TENT
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
Beautiful fucking linguistics Shakespeare, but youre still not doing that to my face
Winner winner, chicken dinner. I am the sole survivor of the orgy without strep. Or maybe I was the carrier?
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
candyland with pharmaceuticals ... what could go wrong
Can you think of a sexual word rhyming with snorkel?
it's just not right when you're boyfriend has a nicer ass than you do.
When have we listened to the rational side of either of us?!
He's getting Easter eggs filled with weed or Jell-O shots for his birthday
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
I think the pizza guy was in shock..
Well I didn't mean to answer the door only in socks but I mean come on, 4 hours of sex works up an appetite! I WAS RAVENOUS
Randomize
