You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
I just watched a girl use a tall boy Coors as a rolling pin to make christmas cookies
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
my summer class's final was canceled bc it interfered with the world cup. he is giving us all A's on it. I love europe
She tags her boyfriend in all of her pictures on her heart...
You screamed at all of us and then showed us your sack. You're like the boyfriend of my dreams.
Well... first you killed the girls goldfish, then you shoved her face in your armpit, made her cry, got kicked out, ate your cigarettes, and passed out in her driveway. Pretty successful night if you ask me
She acts like a 3 year old but with fantastic tits. This girl is the reason women are objectified
Girl you know I'm an advocate of debauchery but you might wanna check yoself.
You seem to be avoiding the poop question. How did you poop on your hand?
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
As a paramedic, it's completely unacceptable to black out on a monday. I cant handle 3 dollar shot night.
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
Holy shit he’s stupid hot! If you don’t hurry up and make a move my ovaries are going to march over there and introduce themselves
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