True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
I wish I could get plan B off e-bay so it would be a secret and cheap.
I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
Only you could be admitted to the ER and walk out with a nurse's phone number. I wish I was gay
Just got a free shot w my beer...it's not quite 11am yet...I love international travel. These people aren't judgmental.
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
Is it considered a bad morning to find your boss half naked in the parking lot of work at 7am?
That depends, how hot is your boss?
So the doorbell rang while we were banging, and I'm pretty sure the pizza man saw my dick. But hey, we got pizza.
pretty sure I woke up to him jacking himself off IN MY BED
We watched playoff games and fucked so we could both see the TV. I've now found true love.
I'm owning this being a social human being thing tonight!
I made out with him in the club and he endorsed me on Linkedin. My networking skills are off the charts.
I think I'm just gonna exercise my lungs and fingers. With bong hits and crochet. BECAUSE I AM A REAPONSIBLE ADULT DAMMIT!!
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
If the amount of time the owner spent looking at my tits is any indication, I’d say I can probably sleep my way to the top
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