some dude just recognized me causeg he had a pic of us making out onvhis phone
Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
My mouth tastes like defeat. Did he at least have money?
So I used to make fun of texas a lot, then I got here and I found a place where I could get my tequila in a to go cup with a straw and I realized that this is the only place I ever want to be
You put your red cup in a chain link fence and kept telling me you could use it as a telescope
i just discovered a movie that charlize theron is a sex addict. i think my prayers have been answered
Woke up this morning to my mom on the phone with my dad saying, "It's probably just your prostate." Reasons to move out. Go.
Yep we found him face down in my sister's bathroom begging for blowjobs without mustard
It's just my hair. It brings natural happiness. Like goldfish, big boobs, and milkshakes.
I just listened to "Eye of the Tiger" and did 5 shots to prep going over to see him.
You got into a heated argument about Frankenstein's intelligence while double fisting burritos from taco bell.
Zombie crawl summary: 5 of 6 friends successfully laid. friend 6 too drunk to care and making out with a whale (not a costume)
He made me cum via FaceTime, then he made me look at his stock investment charts..
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
Is it wrong for me to wish my cat had arms to get me a beer?
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