I think i peed on brittanys purse
party was madd awkward.. it was like every person who i sat next to in high school and never said hi to was there
Who do you think planted the wheat? Who do you think cleared the land and killed off the native inhabitants? Women?
god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
If I remember taking any of my finals after tomorrow night, it will not have been a successful night.
It wasn't the stripper that gave you the hickey but I just figured out who did
At my wifes high school reunion. Found out her nickname was 'Back Door Brooke'. EVERYONE is calling her that.
And theres a reasonable expectation that if you're fighting over a pair of yoga pants on the ground at VS someones gonna videotape it
Ok so you know that's gonna be legally viewed as kidnapping, right?
100 proof captain the only man who can make me strip during a snowstorm
I just sold my hat for three car bombs. I call that a win.
I find it fascinating that she'd be more comfortable with her mom finding out she submits dirty disney confessions on tumblr than about her secret email account she uses to chat with dutch and brazilian strangers.
I need an inhaler full of pot for all of this breathless rage.
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
Randomize
