im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
An attempt at squeezing a tomato to make a bloody mary just says desperation all over it....
He fell off a seesaw, tore half his ear off and somehow convinced the paramedic he was allowed to have a beer while being treated
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
Wow way to turn my death into an oppurtunity to get laid
You stole my camera, took a picture of yourself and said "that's beautiful, just as beautiful as our waitress".
Everything was going great until my fake mustache fell off when we started making out.
This is like the best thing that's ever happened to us. We're getting paid to sit around get high and eat. There is a Jesus
My roommate is downstairs drunk, smoking, and listening to a self help DVD. Please dear God don't let this be the Ghost of Christmas Future.
saw a dude wearin soccer cleats at the bar tonight. fuckin kiddin me man?
You told me you were with a dog dressed as a taco, and it was the only one you trusted
I just remembered touching your bosses wife's fake tits last night. Thanks again for taking me to your work function.
Dude, naked camping ALWAYS takes precedence. I would skip my own funeral to go naked camping.
You kissed my hand and then put a Taco in it. Why WOUDNT I leave my husband?
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