Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
My BOSS just pulled out a box of Christmas stuff labeled reefs.
As it would turn out, "jesusssssss" is not the password to enter Faith Chapel's wifi network.
I told him he didn't want "flip-flop extraction" on his medical history.
You guessed 7 of 8 bra sizes correctly. You're like a drunk rainman.
So I gave him a handjob and now we aren't friends anymore
You're at Notre Dame. What did you expect?
im wtih 32a right now bc 34d is on her period. now i know how girls feel when their hookups go from magnums to regulars
i was wearing footie pjs. how could there be confusion as to who i hooked up with, thats not something you forget
its warm now so i can go back to sleeping with guys based on their fuckability rather than how much warmth they generate.
You know it's bad when I can already feel tomorrow's hangover before even drinking today.
Dude, I had no choice. I was defending my genitals.
Our first order of business as new roommates was to test the sex acoustics of our rooms. I need a new box spring.
Not sure how my purse ended up in the bushes last night... Or why there was a noodle strainer in the toilet.
The reason why I poison my organs is so that you guys can't sell them.
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
Randomize
