i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
What time do you think the pilgrims started drinking? I want to be as accurate as possible.
I may only be a second year med student but I feel very confident in calling that a micropenis.
Question: would asking the hot guy from the grocery store to "beer me" his number be a poor decision?
Do you ever feel like a plastic bag?!
I just want to fuck you then discuss implications of our existence afterwards. Then Doritos and hot tub.
Which I'm also surprisingly fine with. If he walked into the bedroom naked, holding a fish in one hand and a lit candle in the other and said "Let's get fucking weird." I'd probably go with it. He's just that hot.
He wanted me to blow him while he did curls and looked at himself in the mirror. Not sure if gay or ego maniac.
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
I'm convinced he's the patron saint of oral sex
Well shit, I would've slept with him if I knew he was gonna be in the draft.
I went shopping for a dress that was baptism and bar appropriate.
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
Randomize
