the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
They should make a Rosetta Stone that allows men to understand what the fuck women are actually trying to say.
I just found three unopened cans of PBR behind our futon that I think I was saving for winter.
You told me alcohol would be the death of you then ordered 10 shots of tequila.
Guess which guy you've blown just made me sandwich at subway?
this is not the time for floating mt dew and shots of tequila.
i don't know how it's possible. but i just bought groceries for a week with the money i made off returning empties
Tinkerbell just flew up to me and tickled my balls. What the fuck did we smoke?
I don't know what I wash first. My body or my puke painted car. People are judging me as I drive by.
got fuckng wasted at spring training, got a lap dance at le girls, got a burrito at filibertos, and still made it to my 5 o'clock eco class wearing a bikini top....I love Arizona State University
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
she gave me her number and i just said "no. cant."
I can tell right now that knowing you will either be really fun or ruin my life
Also, let me tell you how embarrassing it is to match with someone who seemingly has their shit together at 4:45AM on a Thursday.
I purposely left my thong and accidentally left my ethics book, hairspray and most of my dignity.
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