My life would be so much easier if i could just ride around in the cash cab all day
69 is so not fun when his penis is sporting a 70s hairstyle
all thats left of you is your magnum wrapper on my dresser
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
she works at a police station now. i think thats the definition of keeping your enemies closer.
The office pool is up to $500 if you take a shit in Frank's desk drawer. Time to change the unpaid internship into a cash cow.
I still can't believe he came down from his hiding place in the tree voluntarily because he didn't want us to have to talk to the cops alone...
"Wine night with the girls" turned into me having to set an alarm in the bathtub this morning...
The best part of Easter was watching all his colorblind cousins try to find the eggs.
I would give a kidney to fuck him and he knows it. That bastard.
As a paramedic, it's completely unacceptable to black out on a monday. I cant handle 3 dollar shot night.
Been using bowl smoking as a method of time for so long I don't know how long it actually takes to get to work
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
I’d say they were worth it. He screamed “your tits are fanfuckingtastic!”while he was cumming
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
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