if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
there are so many fish in the see you have left to fuck
Before I dignify that with an answer, let me get this straight. You're asking me if I wiped my ass on the towels?
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
It's been two weeks and I still have carpet burns on my knees. Well done.
Dude... You called me at 3am to tell me you still had your pants.
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
You turn 21 at midnight!
This is better than being born!!
How about this: I support you through your miserable marriage, and you support me through all my anonymous sex?
Yeah he drove 30 minutes at 3 AM to come fuck me in my neighbors treehouse
He tried to get me to go back to his place on the condition that he has 6 cats. I was very tempted but I said no. Hoping to go see the cats tomorrow
Afterwards he face timed like four of his friends screaming he banged the hot intern.
Eh, my puke tasted like lemonade, so not too bad
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
Randomize
