I just pooped in his toilet and didn't flush...I desperately need to get him past the girls don't poop phase.
i think i will get a tattoo on my butt that says "im not bluffin with my muffin", but i guess if i was serious, i would get it above my c-section scar
she said, "is it ok if I touch it?" that's when I knew I was in trouble... I knew she was a virgin but seriously..
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
Her boyfriend was hitting on other girls while drunk. But, she said she was okay with it because she is a feminist and she supports all women's decisions.
I have so much shit FLYING through my head. They're all in magic carpets and everything
the last thing i remember is yelling at the cab driver that i'm really good at drive by vomitting.
I'm gonna cougar town the shit out of that prom.
Just pee around me
Buying the inflatable beer pong table for the pool was one of the best investments I've ever made
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
I love how u said nothing about the sidewalk sex but refused shower sex
I just got wasted for $3.50. My life can't get any better.
How much weed can I reasonably smoke now if I have to leave for work in a bit over an hour
He sent me a text saying his breakfast today was leftover mead and some fruit salad
Randomize
