I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
A female Wisconsin fan just headbutted the bouncer. Im deeply terrified and oddly aroused at the same time.
All I remember is saying that "fire will make it all better"
TOMORROW NIGHT CAN I HOLD YOU LIKE A BABY
Just so you know there's a random man downstairs knocking on a door with a dozen roses and a 30 pack of beer. Unattractive or not, I'm inviting him in.
There's going to be a pool, lightsabers and alcohol. What could go wrong?!
Hes pre-made beer lollipops so he "can suck before the sex" QUOTE!
you invented a new sport called "bacon pulling" and you cried everytime a piece broke
This is the most boring acid ever. I feel like a child. But thats okay, I've been a child before, its nothing new.
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
so at 3am I stumbled into my parents house and crawled into bed with them, I need to start dating.
Do exhausted, barely concealed hand jobs count as joining the mile high club?
Vodka for breakfast. With a side of Frankenberries. Don't judge me.
Randomize
