I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
my dad just secretly slid me a nugg in front of my mom. remind me why I moved away for college??
If I've learned one thing today? Blow jobs get you to state championships.
Alright. Who did it? Who's bangin' the ump?
i just googled the alphabet. i couldnt remember if it was jklomnop or jklmnop.
So let me get this straight. You would sleep with an uncircumcised guy whose name you didn't know, but you won't try the new shrimp taco from taco bell?
I cant wait for your democrat phase to be over.
The bartender just hugged us goodnight. I think we go there too often.
And on that day, Satan said; "Let there be the friend zone and let us get fucking high." while Jesus silently cried in the background.
The little girl I'm babysitting is having a tea party, the water and chips she's passing out are doing wonders for my hangover.
I laid naked in his bed as he brought me an ice cream sandwich so I would say everything worked out great
I'm rolling and just noticed that the thread count on these sheets is horrendous.
It was like sex on an active volcano surrounded by the night sky and bloodhounds. And by that I mean it was nice.
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
This girl in my class is lecturing my professor about zombies. It has been going on for 15 minutes.
Zombies?
Zombies.
You got up in the middle of a sentence, puked, came out and poured another glass of wine and continued your story.
Randomize
